Confidence and intimacy when dating over 60

If the thought of dating again brings a flutter of nerves, you are in good and plentiful company. Almost everyone coming back to dating later in life worries about the same handful of things: whether they still have it in them, how they look these days, and what closeness might feel like after months or years on their own. These worries are so common as to be almost universal, and the reassuring truth is that they tend to shrink the moment you start, rather than growing.

Confidence is quieter at 60, and that's a gift

The confidence that matters in later-life dating isn't the brash kind. It's the quiet sort that comes from knowing yourself, and you have far more of that now than you did at thirty. You know what you enjoy, what you won't put up with, and what makes you good company. That's genuinely attractive, and it takes the pressure off trying to impress anyone. You're not auditioning. You're simply seeing whether you enjoy each other.

If your confidence took a knock through a divorce or bereavement, be patient with it. It returns with small successes: a nice message exchange, a pleasant coffee, a compliment that lands. None of it has to be dramatic to rebuild you.

About how you look

Almost everyone over 60 worries their body isn't what it was, and almost everyone they date feels exactly the same about their own. There's an enormous, quiet relief in that shared understanding. The people you'll meet aren't looking for youth. They're looking for warmth, kindness, someone to laugh with, someone who's comfortable in their own skin. Being at ease with yourself, lines and all, is far more appealing than any amount of anxious polishing.

Intimacy, in its own time

Physical closeness after a long time can feel like a big step, and there's no need to hurry toward it or to feel any pressure about it at all. Intimacy later in life is as much about tenderness, affection and simply being held as anything else, and the right person will be as glad of that as you are. A few gentle thoughts:

• There's no timetable. Closeness happens when you both feel ready, and not a moment before.
• Honesty makes everything easier. A little openness about feeling out of practice is disarming, and almost always met with kindness, because the other person very likely feels it too.
• If you have health questions about intimacy later in life, your doctor has heard them all before and can help. There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
• Companionship comes in many forms. For some people intimacy is central, for others it matters far less, and both are perfectly valid things to want.

Start where it feels comfortable

Confidence grows by doing, gently. You don't have to fling yourself into anything. Begin by looking, exchange a few messages when someone seems nice, and meet for a coffee when it feels right. Meeting people online suits this well, because you can take every step at your own pace. If the how of it feels unfamiliar, our plain guide to online dating over 60 walks you through it, and if you're returning after a loss or a divorce, dating again after 60 may be a gentle companion piece.

Above all, be as kind to yourself as you would be to a good friend in your shoes. You are good company, you have a great deal to offer, and there are people over 60 who would be delighted to discover it.